Empty womb, empty heart

I dread which me will wake up every morning. Will it be the normal, caring me, or will it be the depressed, impatient and miserable me? Will my day at work fly by in pleasure and sociability or will it drag on and be a weight on my already very heavy heart and shoulders.

Who am I, because I’m surely not me

The sadness that surrounds me like a haunting aura exudes pain and sorrow. My sourness is tangible, my faith shaken to its core.

I no longer know who I am, nor how I can continue to be this barren vessel which defines me

My new motto

 

EMBRACE the curveballs

by Me

Don’t be a Close Minded Carol!

Re-blog, a question that I find addresses my feelings very well

http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/539221/jewish/Fertility-Problems-Family-Events.htm

 Dear Rachel,

I have three children who are all married and we have always been a very close-knit family. My middle child and youngest child each have three kids but unfortunately my oldest does not have any children though they are still trying and praying. Lately though, my oldest daughter and her husband have stopped attending family events. I understand that it is difficult for her to be around other children, but these are her nieces and nephews. It is very awkward not having them for holiday meals and other events and her siblings are starting to resent her for not coming. Is there anything I can do?

Hurt Mother
Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Hurt Mother,

Yes, there is something you can do, and that is understand your daughter and give her the space that she needs. It sounds like for years she and her husband have been trying to be part of the big family regardless of how painful it must have been for them. But there comes a time, or times, when people simply need to put their needs and their feelings first.

I don’t know how comfortable your daughter is with speaking to you about her fertility struggles but perhaps they were recently dealt some bad news. Perhaps the attempts they were making didn’t work out and left them even more depressed than before.

It is not just painful for a couple with fertility problems to be around children in general, but it can specifically be the children they are closest with that are the hardest for them to be around. And it is because they love them. Because they love them so much that seeing them just brings to the forefront of their hearts and minds how badly they want their own children to love.

I think it is important that not only you be understanding and caring of their acute pain, but that you make it clear to your other children how much they need to be sensitive and aware. And the fact that she is the oldest only makes it even harder. I am sure she always envisioned that she would be the first to give you grandchildren. For her to have nieces and nephews that are growing and multiplying while she still hasn’t had her first must be a very difficult reality for her.

Simultaneously, I agree with you that family and family time are incredibly important. Yet with the above in mind, why don’t you plan an evening out with just the couples? Have a meal or outing with just your children and their spouses, no grandchildren. But more than that, ensure that the time together be spent talking about things other than the children. The whole point will be defeated if the entire time your other children talk about where the kids are going to camp or that the baby just started to walk, etc.

Have a serious talk with your other children and explain that you want to spend time as a family, focusing on things you all have in common, and unfortunately children is not currently one of them. And likewise, the topic of conversation should also not be about their fertility struggles. Do not define them as the couple without children. Focus on their work or the other things they are doing.

I have no doubt that your eldest daughter and her husband will not avoid family gatherings for good and will make the effort as well to attend big events. But remember that every time they show up, it is a sacrifice on their part and one that most likely took a lot of strength to do. The family should be aware of this and grateful to them for all they do manage to attend.

I hope that your understanding of your daughter’s situation brings peace to your family. And G‑d Willing, she should soon be able to attend family events with children of her own.

Rachel

Moving on, or trying to…

I’m trying to get to that place where I can finally accept that this is my reality, that a miracle will not somehow happen but that in the end, I will be okay. I have, hopefully, a long life ahead of me, and if I keep being so miserable, it’s going to be very difficult and lonely. Everyday is a struggle emotionally and all the pent up emotions translate into everything being difficult physically as well. I’m trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so that I can say that I accept the life was given to me, and MOVE THE HELL ON!

That being said, for right now, it doesn’t seem to be working out so well. I’m depressed and sad. I used to love going work because it was an 8 hour escape from my constant loneliness at home (not due from my DH, but from myself and an empty home/heart) and major overthinking and analyzing, but now when I get to work, I find myself shutting down, angry and snappy. It doesn’t help me any more, & the fact that my co-worker is pregnant doesn’t help because it’s just another reminder of the life we will never have.

Ranting and raving to my friend last night, she made me realize that a lot of my sadness and anger are rooted in guilt. She doesn’t understand why I would have any guilty feeling about sadness over other people’s pregnancy, or about having to avoid mother’s day so as not to become a raving lunatic in public, or about not wanting to talk to anyone and keeping to myself. She says I should accept all of these feelings for what they are at 100%, to revel in them and if need be scream them off the rooftops so that I may able to feel no shame in my feelings and maybe help me let go. She said the people around me should understand my sadness, should be more considerate of my feelings before sharing all of their pregnancy announcements / kids stories etc. She said, if they don’t, SCREW THEM. I love her enthusiasm for what she feels is right and wrong, I wish that I could have that sense of self love and self worth, but what I do instead when faced with anything and everything that makes me even more horribly depressed is eat more, drink more and withdraw more into my shell.

I know that I need to, as she put it, accept that I made a choice, because she said, ” you had a choice, you could have adopted, you could have fostered, you could have left your husband to avoid the guilt of the feeling of robbing him of a family, but you chose none of the above, because that’s not what you want. So really, this is your life, accept what you can out of it, love yourself and move on”. Obviously the conversation was longer and deeper and had many more thoughtful and in-depth thoughts about life, guilt, grief and many other things that touch my life, but the theme was for me to try and let go of all the pressure I’ve added to myself on top of the obvious infertility.

What she said made sense to me, I know what needs to be done, a therapist is in my immediate future, I just hope that I manage to hold on to this glimmer of hope that I might be able to get over this seemingly unending cycle and start to enjoy this second part of my life and marriage in a healthier way.

I need all the help I can get.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Things Your Friend With Infertility Never Tells You

So on point! I needed this post today especially

Those who can’t do, assist!

Over the past few years, I’ve been present and can even go as far to say assisted my two sisters in law through the birth of their kids, I absolutely loved whole nerve wracking experience. It’s by far the most amazing thing I’ve ever had the chance to witness.

Maybe the old adage, “those who can’t do, teach” or in my case, assist is true. I had thought of taking classes to become a doula or Midwife a couple of years ago, but it was a little complicated and time consuming and then I went through more treatments and everything went to hell.

I may have an opportunity to take classes this month to train as a doula, I’m just wondering how sound of an idea this is. I’ve been going through such a rough patch these past few months, I can’t stand being in too many peoples company, let alone children, can I really pass a class like this then help these women through the one thing that I want the most? It may help me move on, or accept the life that I’ve been given or might take me completely over the edge…

 

 

I’m asking…

NIAW  is upon us, last year I glided past it, didn’t want to acknowledge it any more than I want to  acknowledge my barren reality. But this year, with a couple more devastating tries and more harsh reality than I could wish on anyone, I wonder if it’s time to really start to asking, so here I go…

With our 10th wedding anniversary just around the corner, I wonder what steps I can take to try and get passed what I’ve been trying so hard to achieve over these past ten years but cannot have. How can I finally “let go” and start on the much needed path of forgiveness of myself and my body, how will I get there and where will it lead me?

Everyday is a struggle for me. Emotionally, I’m on a daily see-saw, more downs then ups physically, I’m plagued by restlessness, insomnia and migraines. I dread even the thought of birthdays parties, family  or social gatherings and especially Mother’s day.  I inwardly cringe every time someone mentions a new pregnancy or birth announcement. I cry and rage daily, mostly in my head which makes it even worse because I let all of these negative emotions fester to the point where I sometimes think I’ll make myself seriously sick because no one should have so much pain and anger bottled up.

What I want to know from anyone of you who’s been there, who hasn’t had their miracle child in the end and has survived, how did you do it? How do you “get over it”, how do you forgive G-d for what’s he’s put you through and will keep going through? How do you NOT poison your marriage? How do you not turn into the crazy old lady all the kids are scared of? How do you not hate everyone in your path who has what you want and will probably always want? How, how, how???

I want to forgive and to be happy, but I’m at a crossroad and I don’t know how to take the path of healing and moving forward. I can honestly say that I can’t see that happening without some kind of miracle.

Where do I go from here?

 

Smiling through the pain

I just realized this morning that someone I’m very close to and work with is pregnant. She hasn’t said anything yet, it’s very early still, but I’m sure that it’s the case. I don’t know about you, but I have this “superpower” when it comes to detecting other peoples pregnancies, I assume that from so many years of trying to detect my own, I notice ALL the signs. Anyway, this realization hit me and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it. On the one hand I know that I should be happy for her and  truly am, but on the other, I don’t think I can bear nine months of someone else’s daily growth, bloom and everything else that goes with it. It’ll be in my face and I’m not the person I once was, even last year wouldn’t have been as bad, but this year, after my 2 last failed IVFs, early menopause diagnosis and depression, I’m hanging on by a thread. The thing is that for me, work is my salvation, without it, I wouldn’t be able to go on. But, can I live through many months of the alternative? My friend won’t expect me to feel anything but joy for her, she won’t understand anything else, not because she’s insensitive but because it’s her way, she’s very delicate and loving & she thinks, rightly so, that our closeness trumps anything else. How can I explain that the person I am now has no allegiances, my emotions are deadened and I want to protect what’s left of me at all cost, nothing else matters to me anymore, because my alternative isn’t pretty. I think that even my DH won’t understand my feelings in this particular case because he seems to be able to put his feelings aside and be genuinely happy for others, which was me not too long ago, but now, I don’t know anymore.

This week has been full of angst for me, I’ve been worrying about mother’s day already because I know that a family relation will want to do a double celebration of mother’s day and her daughter’s birthday, like she did last year and that was an absolutely horrible day for me. I’m already trying to find excuses to get out of it, everyone will be there…

I need to find a solution other than taking a sabbatical or changing jobs which sound extreme, but are the only things I can think of at this particular moment.