Beating Infertility?

What you wrote is so spot on and is exactly what I needed to read right now! I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, and everyday is another little win for me, so I understand you and wish you many more wins to come!

Divine retribution?

This may sound nuts to some, but I often wonder if the reason behind our infertility is deeper than I can actually fathom.

Can this be “divine retribution”? Definition: Theology, the distribution of rewards and punishments in a future life.

My husband has been suffering with kidney stones for the past 20 years and with every stone, he feels unbelievable pain up till the moment the stone passes from his privates, which, from what I can gather is excruciating. I cannot get pregnant and bring forth life…Can we have been put together in this life, with these issues for a greater reason? Did we, or were we such awful people in a past life, that G-d is making sure that we pay for it now?

These questions may sound too far fetched or negative to some, but I’m really asking myself if this could possibly be why we are where we are.

And if it were for arguments sake, the reason behind our infertility; what can we do to make things right? Because in theory, if you believe in reincarnation, which I do, to make up a wrong, you have to do a right. So living decent and honest lives in this lifetime, to make up for the past bad one? But is that enough…

Life’s lessons

I love the old adage, making lemons into lemonade, I believe in it’s meaning and I believe that the process is just as important as the end result.

I’ve had, in my youth and even today, bouts of depression, due in part to circumstance and due in part to heredity. I’ve learned that to deal with something tough and to be able get through to the other side, you need to face it head on and I’ve tried to apply this theory to many of my life’s experiences, but sadly, sometimes, even with the best of intentions, I struggle to understand and face my demons when certain situations apply.

Struggling with infertility for nine years has taught me many things about myself, the first one being that patience, whether you have it or not, it’s non-negotiable. You must learn to pace yourself, to wait when you think that you can’t wait anymore, to learn to live two weeks at a time and be able to deal and process with deception at a moments notice and then pick yourself right back up again to start over, even before the pain has healed and the scars have scabbed.

The second thing that I’ve learned is that when you think that you can’t go on, that you’re the saddest and most heartbroken that you’ve ever been, there’s more to come and you can still take it. I’ve felt pain and sadness like no other through this process, that’s not to say that there aren’t worst situations in life, because there are. I’ve grieved over family and friends who have passed away and although the grief is worst, it passes and eases with time.

This is different, it touches you in a different way, it makes you second guess yourself at every turn. It makes you second guess your role in life, your purpose. Mostly it makes you doubt in G-d, because no matter how much you want to believe that He has a plan for you, it’s very difficult to accept that He would make you go through something like this, when you’ve tried to be a good, decent person, that you’ve followed the “rules”, and that you’ve cried day in day out for nine years and prayed so very hard and have hoped for this one seemingly simple thing that you have been created to do but have yet to do…I’m mad at Him, at the world and at myself for being the way I am.

I have learned many more lessons through this “journey”, but none of them have managed to make me see the other side. I have yet to understand why we were put in such a difficult situation when the world around me seems to be doing it so easily. I’ve assisted to four births, I’ve seen the miracle of life through my own eyes and it’s the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever seen and experienced. If nothing else, I can at least feel that I’ve been as close to birth as is possible and in lieu of the real thing, at least I’ve seen miracles up close.

I’m not sure when and if things will change for us, I can’t say if our prayers will be answered and I can’t say if I’ll have managed to conquer these demons that plague me day in day out, but I can say that I will keep on trying.